he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
