well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
