maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
