y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
