Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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