Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
