i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
