so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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