I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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