Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
