she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
