1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
