TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
