i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
