I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
