the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
