I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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