i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
