Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
