What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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