..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
