Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
