I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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