thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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