Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize