If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The beer is more important than you right now.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize