sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
