I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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