I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
