ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
