I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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