I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
