I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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