i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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