ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
