I met the friendliest cop last night
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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