You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My vagina is officially offended.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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