i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
