they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
