There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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