So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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