you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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