we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
