I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize