I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
