I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
