I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't turn off my feet"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
