I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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