A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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