I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
