she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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