Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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