Do you still have your period?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
