I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
