The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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