I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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