Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize