3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
