You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
