he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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