The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
