He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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