I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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