I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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